Harry Potter and the Bedchamber of Secrets
by philoSOPHIA
Summary: With each review you receive a bound and gagged Harry Potter character of your choice. Slash couples sold separately. Batteries not included if the review is a flame. Shipping and Handling is free.
1. Virgins?

Harry Potter and the Bedchamber of Secrets -written by the humble fanfiction author philoSOPHIA-  
  
Disclaimer: Read my fic. You'll find it eventually. I guarantee it's easier than trying to find Waldo.  
  
  
  
[Hedwig's tune plays in the background. The screen is blank. All of a sudden Hedwig's tune is interrupted and we hear Britney Spears' song Oops I did it again.]  
  
Audience: Huh? Is this a spoof or something?  
  
"Yeah, more or less. It's a parody, but I'm not a stickler for details." says a voice.  
  
The entire audience turns their heads to the back of the theater.  
  
Sitting in one of the very back seats with her feet up on the chair in front of her is the coercive, all-mighty Author. She is wearing a beret and glasses because it makes her look intellectual. Unfortunately it just makes her look stupid. Her hair is more tangled than Hermione's and more fluffy than a 12 year old's Ron/Hermione fic. Her eyes never change color.(Sorry, just had to create some distance between my self insertion and that of the notorious Mary Sue.)  
  
In her hands is a spiral bound notebook with the Backstreet Boys on the cover and a pencil. Yep, she has been writing this fanfic the old fashioned way cause her computer was only brand new circa when Albus Dumbledore was still learning to use the potty and therefore null.  
  
"Ta da da da!" the omnipotent author says, flinging her hands up in the air as if to say 'Here I come to save the daaaaaaay!!!' while running eagerly down the aisle towards the screen.  
  
Sparky the Fanfic critic: "But all of that doesn't explain why this cancer- cell making music is being played."  
  
"Disclaimer: I don't own anything that has to do with Harry Potter except for a bit of merchandise. However, I do own you." She points to Sparky .At this, the author flings her pencil at him. The pencil penetrates the skin near his neck, puncturing a hole in one of his major arteries and thus killing him. "Any more plot holes you wanna point out?"  
  
It's so quiet you can hear a pin drop.  
  
"Roll film" says the author. The film rolls. People eat popcorn. Some have butter on their popcorn. .The author leaves muttering 'I wouldn't watch this even if they payed me'. All attention returns to the film.  
  
[Music continues. On the blank screen appears the words 'Directed by Britney Spears']  
  
Audience: "Oh." Most people leave the theater to go see Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban or Spiderman 2 or even The Notebook.  
  
[ 'Produced by Madonna']  
  
What's left of the audience rolls their eyes. [[[ A.N.: What is up with Madonna? What the hey is she doing hanging around within 50 feet of Britney Spears? And what's with her new children's books? I prefer the nice lady cum sex symbol with the crazy cone bra. Don't you?]]]  
  
[ 'Harry Potter and the Bedchamber of Secrets']  
  
Parents in the audience gasp and clutch their children's hands, running out of the theater faster than you can say NC-17. Madonna's budding career in children's literature ends instantly.  
  
[Camera shows Hogwarts castle and zooms around it while narration continues. In one of the windows you can catch a glimpse of Professor Snape taking a shower. He spots the camera, screams and tries to cover himself with the transparent shower curtain. In vain He suddenly slips on a bar of soap and ends up with a loofah up his ass. But you have to look reeeaaal quick or you'll miss it. Snape washing his hair, who knew?]  
  
Narrator: " Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry was a colossal place. It had big rooms and it had small rooms. In fact, it had hundreds of rooms. Some of them were useful and some of them were just storage rooms and some of them were used to store bodies in and some were downright useless and/or bizarre. Like in Stephen King's miniseries My Life at Rose Red, minus the crazy nympho on narcotics and the gay cowboy who hangs himself. But that's another story." The narrator gives a kind-hearted but obviously phony chuckle. He then assumes a deadpan, serious voice similar to the voice overs you hear in re election campaigns. "However, there was one room that was never mentioned in the Hogwarts School Enrollment brochure. That is because it doesn't exist."  
  
Audience: "Huh?"  
  
The Author enters onto the stage in front of the screen and holds a tantrum. She starts yelling at the screen with her nose pressed against it. "THAT IS NOT WHAT I WROTE!!! IT SO DOES EXIST!!!"  
  
Neo: "There is no spoon."  
  
"Yea, well there is no Matrix!! Roll film." All attention returns to the film. Neo runs out of the theater crying because he has just realized that his whole life was only manifested in a computerized dreamworld filled with black leather trench coats and hot super models. And also because it just dawned on him that the lady in the red dress was in actuality a man. Narrator. "OKAY, the room DOES exist, if only in the hearts and minds of sick Harry Potter fans. Well, now I've lost my shpeel...Oh yes, this room is called the Bedchamber of Secrets. Oooooh, now I get it...Chamber of Secrets-Bedchamber of Secrets. I get it now....smart. This room was special because it could only be found by......virgins." The narrator is sporting a sick grin.  
  
Audience: "GASP!"  
  
Pervert: "Teehee...virgins. Will that room ever be found?"  
  
Will it? Find out in the next chapter!  
Bonus: With each review you receive a bound and gagged Harry Potter character of your choice. Slash couples sold separately. Batteries not included if the review is a flame. Shipping and Handling is free. ( FedEx guy Gary does the shipping. I do the handling.. It's not my fault the way you interpret that.) 


	2. The Immaculate Conception of Draco Malfo...

Harry Potter and the Bedchamber of Secrets  
  
Chapter II....................................The Immaculate Conception of Draco Malfoy  
  
Next chapter. Hurrah.  
  
Disclaimer: I'm sorry, JKR. I swear I'll sacrifice a goat in your honor and ask for forgiveness.  
  
  
  
The author of this particular fanfic is no longer in the theater watching her creation. Right now she is standing in line at the post office. She is over the moon with happiness for having gotten reviews.  
  
Next to her are ten or so boxes.  
  
One of them is shaking violently. Extremely violently. The author glances at it. "You see, this is why slash couples ought to be sold separately.....or at least in separate boxes."  
  
The author grimaces. She reaches the front of the line. It's Frito Cologne the Post Office man's shift today. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh......crap. He'll know what's in the box and won't let me send it, thinks the author. Better play smooth...  
  
"Hey, Frito....heard of that guy who shipped himself in a box to Texas to avoid the airline fee and was caught but wasn't charged anything when it came to the trial cause technically what he was doing wasn't illegal because it wasn't clearly written in the post office's policies?"  
  
"There's a person in this box insn't there? You know that isn't legal."  
  
"Tell me, Frito, what's your favorite Harry Potter character?"  
  
"Oooooohhhhh....I have soooo many! I'd have to say....Argus Filch. He's soo dreamy." Frito giggles.  
  
The coercive and omnipotent author shrugs and goes out to her car even though she's too broke to own one and too young to drive one. She comes back and slips him a very bewildered Filch under the desk when none of the other Post Office officials are looking.  
  
"No one has to know about this, right?" She means about the box, not about the fact that Frito likes a quite unlikeable character, or by the look of it, more than likes.  
  
"Right."  
  
"Okay, now that that's settled, ROLL FILM!!"  
  
  
  
It was Visitors' Day at Hogwarts and everyone was abuzz with excitement. Except for Harry, cause everyone who is dear to him is dead.  
  
[ Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy are seen sitting in the Great Hall. Their son Draco is sitting at the Slytherin table]  
  
"You know, Narcissa, I'm noticing that our son is less screwed up than usual."  
  
[Camera cuts to Draco playing a hand clapping game with Crabbe and Goyle]  
  
"Miiiiiiiiiisss Mary Sue, Sue, Sue" Clap clap clap "all dressed in blue, blue, blue" sang Draco.  
  
"With silver eyes, eyes, eyes" Clap clap clap " her beauty grew, grew, grew" chimed Crabbe  
  
[Camera cuts back to Mr. and Mrs. Malfoy]  
  
"..........but his hair isn't slicked back anymore." pointed out Narcissa. "At least now we don't have to spend hundreds of galleons buying him hair care products." Narcissa was always tight with money.  
  
"But Narcissa darling, his hair isn't aerodynamic anymore. Will he still glide when I kick him down the grand stairs of Malfoy Manor?"  
  
There was a short pause. Lucius perked up.  
  
"Hey, I've got an idea. Let's go mess with his mind." Lucius leaned over on his pimp cane and whispered into Narcissa's ear. Narcissa thought for a moment and then began to snigger.  
  
o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o  
  
"Son, we have something very important to tell you."  
  
"Yes, father?" said a very submissive Draco.  
  
"Your father and I don't know how you came to be. In other words our marriage was never really consummated. You see, I just became pregnant without any provocation. Your birth was entirely immaculate. It was miraculous. Isn't that just the darndest thing?" Narcissa gave him a cruel smile.  
  
Silence. Draco stared at them blankly.  
  
" You see, son...your mother's a virgin."  
  
Silence. Draco stared at them blankly.  
  
"What's a virgin?"  
  
"..."  
  
"..."  
  
"Aw, screw it."  
  
"Alright, alright. You're not the messiah, you're a very un-naughty boy" Narcissa spat at her son.  
  
[[[A.N.: ....Monty Python.....!!!..]]]  
  
" Look what you've done!You've upset your mother. Sod off, you twit!" Narcissa burst into fake tears and buried her head in her husband's diabolically evil shoulders.  
  
Draco burst into real tears and ran out of the Great Hall. He stopped for a moment in the hallway to wipe his nose on Harry Potter's tie. Needless to say, Harry was none too pleased with this. Draco sped off in the direction of the North Tower.  
  
Shortly afterwards he realized he was lost.  
  
  
  
I apologize. That must have been the most plotless chapter in the history of fanfiction.  
  
By the way, here is this pitiful Mary Sue hand clapping song, to the tune of the classic hand clapping game Miss Mary Mack (all dressed in black, black, black):  
  
O Miiiiiiiss Mary Sue, Sue, Sue, all dressed in blue, blue, blue...  
  
O Wiiith silver eyes, eyes, eyes, her beauty grew, grew, grew....  
  
O Haaaas perfect hair, hair, hair, like Tony Blair, Blair, Blair.....  
(Don't ask. Bear, chair, and  
  
lair just didn't work)  
  
O Sheeee's everywhere, where, where. It isn't fair, fair, fair....  
  
O Sheeeee rescues Harry, Harry, Harry. In the end they marry, marry, marry... O Shags with Snape, Snape, Snape, without being raped, raped, raped... .  
  
O We all wonder why, why, why, she just doesn't DIE, DIE, DIE...  
  
-And remember.... For every Mary Sue you create a kitten dies somewhere- 


End file.
